My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
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[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions