the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.