[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
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Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
LMAO
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.