My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn