The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.