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Marawana
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Is there a j in marawana
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Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The Weeknd is back
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.