me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
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[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
so i’m at the stock market right
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl