Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
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I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore