I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark