I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
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To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.