People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
You Might Also Like
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.