[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
This line from Airplane.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The news in a nutshell.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.