What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.