him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
You Might Also Like
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
john wicks are toilet candles
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.