Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up