Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
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Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
can’t catch a break
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE