[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I feel seen
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…