God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey I worked for it too!
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
How wrong was this guy?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.