“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Can’t, holding a grudge
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.