[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
You Might Also Like
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Oh, I bet you would be
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.