Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU