One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.