Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
In banana years, I am bread.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?