“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.