To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
You Might Also Like
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Thank you corporation very cool
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
i prefer mine room temperature.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.