Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
You Might Also Like
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
my one true gender
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
True?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”