i like to flex on them by shrugging
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers