When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
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Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Sign at work today
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’