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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Is this you?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?