(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”