We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.