Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Why am I like this?