Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two