My neck my back my allergy attack
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Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
wut hotdog?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?