I have written yet another poem about laundry
You Might Also Like
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Every BBC series about the universe.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?