I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You Might Also Like
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache