I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.