My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*