[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.