Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent