I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
You Might Also Like
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
guilty
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…