My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know