Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
You Might Also Like
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Lmao
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?