The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Good boy 😂😂
I triple waxed for this?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]