GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
You Might Also Like
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Sex so good you see dead people.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man