[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
This is so me 😂😂
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt