ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
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WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
watergate? u mean a dam??
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.