Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.