“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
oh u like geography? name every lake
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.