wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
58.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.